Heavy Heart

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My heart is so heavy right now.  So heavy, in fact, that I am taking a break from the piles of work I have to get done and posting this short, but not-so-sweet post. Blogging helps me clear my head, and if this post accomplishes nothing more than that, I won’t care.

Ever since hearing devastating news about a friend on Sunday, I have been so … different.

If you go back and read the post entitled A Fighter, you might understand a little bit more. But then again, I don’t expect anyone to understand how I’m feeling. That’s the hard part.

When I heard the news that the doctors cannot do anything more to help her sick body, and that they are sending her home, my heart broke. Especially since my dad was the one that told me the news and he started crying as he tried to get the words out, “They are sending her home… there’s nothing else they can do for her.”

Oh my goodness, it was so hard to take in. Just days ago she was doing so well… gaining the weight she had lost when she was unable to eat for weeks. Appearing stronger physically and mentally each day. Yet swollen from her inability to walk and stand for long periods of time. So when I found out that the worst was yet to come, I broke down. Spiritually. I cried and cried out to God asking “why” and asking him to forgive me for oh so much. You see, I am a good friend sometimes… when I want to be. Case in point- the week I heard R was at her worst and didn’t have much longer, I visited three times, for hours each time, and one time even painting her nails all sorts of bright and cheery colors. The following week, when she was doing better, I visited only once.

That was two weeks ago, and I haven’t seen her since. I’ve gotten updates through a mutual friend, but I’ve ached to go visit her and try to get her mind off the hospital and the cancer. Every time I’ve wanted to go, something has come up- couldn’t find the parking pass (to park for free), car was in the shop for an entire week(!), teaching twice a week, having to puppy sit, etc. And although I live a mere 4 miles from the hospital, I never made it by to see R. And I hate myself for that.

One of the reasons I have such a heavy heart today is because I have not visited her as often as I should have; and now she’s going home for good. Gosh it makes me so mad at myself that I couldn’t find an hour to spare. A single hour.

I’ve been trying to get in touch with her today to find out when she leaves the hospital and heads for home, two hours away. I’ve been trying to plan the words to say to ask for forgiveness for being a horrible friend. I’ve been trying to gain the courage to go visit her one last time.

Needless to say, I am an emotional wreck today. Most days my smiles are genuine, but today I can’t even seem to force a fake smile. And I hate it. I’m normally not so down in the dumps or grumpy or moody… but I think I have a valid excuse : a friend is dying and there’s nothing anyone can do to help her anymore; because of my selfishness I may never see her again.

So if you think about it today, say a prayer for R and her family. And pray for me to; to step up and try to be a friend in this hard time. And not be so busy and self-consumed with my life. I need to be others-focused.

Some of my favorite verses in Philippians chapter 2, tell us to: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2: 3-4) 

May we all value others before ourselves.

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