I can honestly say that for the first time in a long time, I just had a breakdown.
Nope, my car did not breakdown.
My brother had plans with friends tonight, as did my parents. I was sitting playing a song on the piano and as soon as they pulled out of the driveway I stopped playing the song and burst into tears. I was sobbing, to be exact. And I’m talking the crying-so-hard-you-can’t-breathe-and-when-you-do-you-sound-crazy sobbing. As I had liquids coming from two different cavities on my face (you guess which two.)
I was crying out to God.
A few of the things I was so upset about: How I’ve been such a slack Christ follower lately. How I keep telling God I’ll spend more time with Him and of course it gets “bumped” off my schedule. How I miss my college friends who are all in SC. How I am tired of being single. (go figure, ladies) How I want to be head over heels in love with Jesus Christ. How I want Him to change me from this lazy person I’ve become. How I don’t want to be comfortable with my life…I want to be so uncomfortable it hurts. How I want to depend on Him more. How I need a friend I can talk to about deep stuff. How I am a horrible and sinful person.
(((and those were just a few of the things I cried out to God asking Him to forgive me/change about me)))
Y’all, by the time my little heart explosion was over with, I couldn’t breathe even more, my hands and face were covered with tears and snot, my hair was amuck, and my eye makeup was all jacked up. But here’s the crazy thing- God ignored my crazy hysterical outward appearance and listened to my every cry. He was all ears.
And the ears of my heart kept hearing, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” [2 Corinthians 12:9] “I sent my Son to die for you” “I love you” “I’m here waiting for you and always have been.” “Let go and let me take control.”
See that’s the amazing thing about my God. He’s always there, always listening and loving, always interceding on my behalf. And somedays I struggle to thank Him for giving me another day or food to eat or a family who loves me.
How much more selfish and sinful can it get??? I mean, really?!
In a mere hour my heart was changed. Burdens lifted. Promises of peace, love, mercy, and grace poured over me once more. He is already molding my heart to be less of the horrible person I am and more like His perfect Son.
John 12:25-26 “The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.” (Jesus)
John 15:5 “I am the vine and you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” (Jesus)
Mark 8:34-36 “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?” (Jesus)
A night alone was exactly what I needed.